The search for extraterrestrial intelligent life (SETI for short) marches on.

Why are so many of us driven- nay, make that obsessed- with making contact with extraterrestrials? Such folly. Such arrogance on our part- to say nothing of self-destructive naivete.

We should do the opposite; we should avoid contact at all costs. We should camouflage our existence, and try to convince those who may be “out there” that any electromagnetic radiation, which is a sign of intelligent life, if received, is a fluke- a false alarm transmitted by inorganic sources- not sentient creatures.

But we persist. We envision a positive breakthrough- a cosmic kumbaya moment. Why? If they arrived on our planet first, from billions of light years away, we should assume they would be more advanced. But somehow, egocentric creatures that we are, we assume that they would be happy to meet us, assuming as well that happiness is within their emotional repertoire. Oh how we love to project! They may indeed be pure intellect, devoid of emotion altogether. But we are like children, assuming we could embark upon a mutually beneficial meeting of the minds, heralding the dawn of a new and better universe. But- what could we possibly offer them they would find of value? Pause, and put on your thinking caps.

Moral evolution is not attached to technical progression. Think, if you will, when we discovered bacteria. Were we compelled to communicate with them? To improve their lot and better their quality of life? No- it was observe and destroy- and we did- except for the more highly evolved bacteria who escaped the genocide and took refuge in yogurt, then cleverly convinced us that they are good for us- our friends- and they want us to eat them, self- sacrificing altruists that they are- so they can be friendly bacterial slaves within our guts, betraying their own kind by killing the “bad” bacteria infesting our colons. But no- it is a ruse! The good bacteria are in league with the bad, and inflict us with dysentery, colitis, and Crohn’s Disease. A slave rebellion within our bowels!

Think of the possibilities for our own fate. Most of us annihilated, but the remaining few, hard wired like all organisms to survive, scatter, only to reunite and rebel against our extraterrestrial slave masters- rebel, by emulating the successful bacteria who thrive by the trillions, by entrenching ourselves within our oppressors’ inner sanctum- their twisting, malevolent guts!

And so the revolution begins, not with a whimper, but with a bang- with hope that liberation will one day come with a thundering, resonant swoosh of cosmic flatulence-


One thought on “Earthlings Beware!

  1. A sane look at ET, for a change! Ever since I saw an ugly, squirming paramecium in a 9th grade microscope, I haven’t trusted any of the little bastards, no matter their shape or number of evil cells. Thanks for another thought provoking and entertaining piece, Ron.


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