During these bleak and foreboding times of uncertainty and dread, of the shadow of plague hovering over us as we distance ourselves from others and self-quarantine, we must remember that not all the news is bad.

Before the coronavirus reared its ugly head, there had been a spate of revisionism regarding what is good for us, and the new findings are cause for celebration.

For years eggs were a killer, teeming with artery clogging cholesterol- but no longer! New studies indicate they contain a different kind of cholesterol- a beneficial kind that actually bolsters good cardiac health.

Coffee, once believed to promote high blood pressure, palpitations and pancreatic cancer, is now deemed to be a veritable panacea- a life extending elixir that applies to all ethnicities and demographics- yes indeed, step right up and have another cup; the research shows three cups a day are good for you- and six is even twice as good!

And, of course, my personal favorite revision- one that has restored my faith in science: moderate to heavy drinkers of alcohol (yes, you heard me right- not light to moderate, but moderate to heavy) are less likely to get Alzheimer’s before the age of eighty-five than both teetotalers and light drinkers. Oh, there is nothing like a shot of vindication- and make it a double!

Where will this end? What other maligned and vilified behaviors have all along been to our benefit? Well, incredible as it may seem, an exhaustive study conducted by an international team of epidemiologists, the conclusions of which will be published in next Fall’s New England Journal Of Medicine, proves that the commission of The Seven Deadly Sins themselves reduces stress, increases longevity and strengthens the bones.

And so, I present to you, a weekly primer for The Seven Deadly Sins:

(1) Monday morning, jump in the bath- the water is cold, inspiring your wrath.

(2) Tuesday nods, and it can’t be denied- you flipped off a cop, you’re glowing with pride.

(3) Wednesday comes, your friend looks trendy- you are pass’e, inciting great envy.

(4) Thursday arrives, you want more than you need- there’s never enough, you’re besotted with greed.

(5) Friday is here- your stomach growls hungrily- the buffet is free, indulge in some gluttony.

(6) Saturday dawns, and to shake off the rust-your neighbor’s a slut, engage in some lust.

(7) Sunday at last- taper off, with a little sloth.

Caveat: before committing these, you might want to wait until we can leave our homes and get within six feet of someone!