In the name of transparency, I’ve had a, well, crush on Elizabeth Warren for years. This is a tongue in cheek piece I originally read before Dime Stories open mic a couple of years ago, When Paul Ryan was Speaker Of The House and my heartthrob had not yet thrown her cap into the presidential arena. That’s now blessedly changed. Whatever sentiments expressed then are magnified a thousand fold now as she is just at Biden’s heels for number two in the polls. Go get ’em, Boss Mama Alpha Woman!

Dear Senator Warren,

I received your solicitation for a contribution to your “Warren For President”fund- and the check is in the mail!

I am such a HUGE admirer of yours. You don’t compromise- you retreat forward. You’re strong like Maggie Thatcher, only you have a heart and your britches don’t rust in the rain.

Do you know what you do? You threaten every mean spirited male jerk in both chambers of the house- just as you warm the chambers of my heart. Oh, and I forgot to mention the most important house of all- the White House!

How dare Donald Trump!! Calling you Pocahontas because you have Native American in your lineage. Pocahontas! Well look who is calling the kettle black. With his narcissism and insane hair he reminds me of George Armstrong Custer. You should have gone on the warpath with him. He’s lucky you didn’t scalp him. And not in one fell swoop- no, no, in small, excruciating increments- a little bit more, a little bit more, until you got down to Custer’s last strand!

And Mitch Mcconnell, kicking you off the senate floor because you read an inspiring letter by Coretta Scott King, telling you you were out of order. Would he treat a man that way? No! What he did to you was like ancient Mandarin foot binding. I’ll tell you what’s out of order- his brain! I never liked that man. His neck makes him look like a turkey. I wish he was a real turkey- a cannibal turkey- so he could eat another turkey and choke on a turkey bone! I wish you had confronted him after the hearing in the Senate parking garage and gotten into his face and said, “Mitch- this time you screwed with wrong progressive chick”, and wrestled him to the floor, yanked off his trousers and spanked him on his bare bottom and videotaped it for You Tube. I bet it would have gotten a million hits in the first hour. That’s what you gotta do- hit guys like that right in their giblets!

I hear people call you a Progressive firebrand. It’s because when you speak you get progressively hotter! There have been times when I’ve watched you and smoke comes out of my T.V. and the alarms go off in my town home and the H.O.A. sends me nasty letters. Well screw them and their stupid cc&r’s. If you read the small print it probably says people of certain ethnic and religious persuasions can’t live in our community. Isn’t that just like Huntington Beach?

You know who you really threaten? “Handsome” Paul Ryan- yeah, if having manta rays for ears is handsome. And what’s up with him? Top priority on his budget plan? Eliminate Meals On Wheels for impoverished seniors, as if it were a moral imperative. Meals On Wheels? One molecule in one tiny drop in the fiscal bucket. Well, while you’re at it Paul, why not kick the orphans out of the orphanage? I bet you’d throw Tiny Tim out in the snow to freeze to death- but only after breaking his crutch- oh, you bet you would!

The fact of the matter is, men, let’s take a rest. Let’s see what happens when a tough, smart, compassionate woman takes the helm- like Elizabeth Warren.

And, Senator Warren, I know this will sound impertinent, but I would be honored if you would have my baby-

And if you can’t fit that into you’re busy schedule, what the heck- I’ll have your baby!