Driving. Traffic lights. We can’t live with them and we can’t live without them. But they have buttressed a long held misgiving of mine a belief easily dismissed as irrational absurd unscientific and mathematically impossible. The belief? The belief is that traffic lights are not what they seem. They are intelligent sentient discerning discriminating all seeing beings watching us as we watch them and oh they have their favorites they smile at some and beam good fortune green green always green for the chosen- green as the grass after rainfall green as cash fresh off the mint green as emeralds polished by master gem cutters green as envy yes envy is what I feel watching these lucky souls glide through intersections with eternal e-tickets it’s a wonder they don’t have their brakes removed who needs them ?

Then, there are those who are despised by the traffic lights objects of eternal mockery shunned shamed cursed by them for no discernible rational reason. Those. Like me.

It’s not as if I have dishonored disrespected or denigrated those shining sentinels of safety and order recklessly ignoring their authority plowing through intersections when the lights are red shining crimson scarlet red ruby red no it’s something else perhaps prejudice for reasons even the towering traffic lights don’t understand but I understand for I am the king the accursed enemy number one for me there is one color only guess which it’s the color of blood and roses rubies and Hellfire yes red red interminable relentless red. The left turn lanes are the worst the light is green I speed up yes for once I am going to make it buck the system unravel the natural order closer closer still green I enter the lane only three cars ahead of me but lo! All three make slow lazy u-turns and as the third one begins to turn the light turns red. Or, late for an appointment I’ve got to make that light it just turned green just a little faster yes yes I’m almost there only one car in front of me the light turns yellow the car in front will surely make it easily and so will I if I step on it I pound the accelerator in the same instant the overly cautious driver in front hits the brakes oh how close I feel Mayhem’s hot breath on my neck my eyes widen like astonished saucer plates I slam the brakes that sickening screech of wheels no longer moving but the car still does the stench of burnt rubber I stop an inch before I rear end the car in front no not yet this time the traffic lights don’t want to lose me they plan to keep me around for future bliss oh the endless amusement I provide them as the light eternally turns red just as I reach the intersection and the innocent hapless souls behind me the collateral damage they also must suffer and when in the distant future the light turns green they will have nine inch toenails spider webs in their nostrils birds nests in their hair their mummified body parts torn off toted away and tagged by young, eager paleontologists.

3 thoughts on “On The Sadistic Humor Of Traffic Lights (A Stream Of Consciousness Rave From “The Red Wing Chronicles”)

  1. Funny,thought provoking insight😃
    U R right,Ron. It’s the one element in America where we R truly united. The dreaded,luck of the traffic lights 🤔🗽


  2. As Bill Clinton would have said, “We feel your pain.”

    I used to ride with a fellow who routinely ran red lights after slowing sufficiently to see no one was coming, said that traffic lights are advisory, not controlling, and that he was an actual human. He eventually caved when tickets and increased insurance costs became more troublesome than waiting at red lights. So go our heros.

    Thanks for the fresh streams, Ron.


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