Whoa. What’s that in my hand? I didn’t put it there, but if not me, then who? And now, gentle readers, a few profound and salient thoughts on masturbation.

I recall hearing from an “expert” that all men masturbate. I don’t recall if all women do as well (clarification. I mean if all women also masturbate, not if all women do it as well as men because they would of course do it better, having superior dexterity in things like knitting and sewing on buttons and handling small diminutive objects in general.) Most male mammalian species masturbate, except for donkeys who have no opposing thumbs, which accounts for their horrible dispositions.

There are thousands of YouTube videos featuring voluptuous young women wearing sprayed on leotards doing intricate, contortionistic yoga postures. Spoiler alert. Women don’t watch these videos. In fact, serious yoginis are contemptuous of them. Only men watch them. Can you guess why? And are you aware that these videos are produced and financed by The American Association Of Carpal Tunnel Surgeons?

Not to get tangential, but not only do all men masturbate, but all men despise yoga as well. Men go to yoga classes for two reasons only: to gawk at voluptuous young women in sprayed on leotards doing splits, and to develop sufficient flexibility in their cervical vertebrae allowing them to perform autofellatio. Well, dream on men. It will never happen, thus proving that all men masturbate, despise yoga, and are stupid as well.

Is masturbation a sin? An unnatural act? Well if it’s unnatural, then why do all men do it? Even The Holy Roman Catholic Church has lightened up. For centuries, priests were told they’d go to Hell if they masturbated. Now they are allowed- providing they use an altar boy’s hand.

So there you are. Take it from an expert.

Take it from me.